Author’s note: Hebrew quotations and translations, unless otherwise stated, come from Sefaria.org.
This week’s D’var Torah is written and published in memory of my beloved mother Shirley Bazian (Shoshke Bas R’ Idel Leib) on the occasion of her 42nd yahrtzeit.
We continue to plumb the depths of this great Sefer Bereishis to see what lessons we can learn from the stories.
In this week’s portion of Chayei Sarah, the Torah tells a great deal of a father’s responsibility to his son and how to go about it.
After Avraham buries his beloved wife and mourns her, he turns to the future. His son needs a wife so he can build his life and continue the family line. Being of advanced age, Avraham is forced to delegate the responsibility for choosing a wife for Yitzchak to his major-domo, Eliezer. His instructions are simple (Gen. 24:4):
כִּי אֶל־אַרְצִי וְאֶל־מוֹלַדְתִּי תֵּלֵךְ וְלָקַחְתָּ אִשָּׁה לִבְנִי לְיִצְחָק׃
(B)ut will go to the land of my birth and get a wife for my son Isaac.
That’s it. Go to my family and find a wife there. There is no record of a discussion about what kind of girl Eliezer is to search for, just that he should bring a girl from his family.
Why did Avraham want a girl from his family? Well, the Canaanites were steeped in the most evil and disgusting practices as the Torah tells us: (Lev, 18:26-27)
וּשְׁמַרְתֶּם אַתֶּם אֶת־חֻקֹּתַי וְאֶת־מִשְׁפָּטַי וְלֹא תַעֲשׂוּ מִכֹּל הַתּוֹעֵבֹת הָאֵלֶּה הָאֶזְרָח וְהַגֵּר הַגָּר בְּתוֹכְכֶם׃ כִּי אֶת־כָּל־הַתּוֹעֵבֹת הָאֵל עָשׂוּ אַנְשֵׁי־הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר לִפְנֵיכֶם וַתִּטְמָא הָאָרֶץ׃
But you must keep My laws and My rules, and you must not do any of those abhorrent things, neither the citizen nor the stranger who resides among you; for all those abhorrent things were done by the people who were in the land before you, and the land became defiled.
Well, as any good father would, he could not stomach the thought of his son marrying into the depraved world around him. Of course, the problem was that his family wasn’t perfect either. After all, they were idol worshipers.
Eliezer clearly knew his master and knew what his master treasured. So, he set his own criteria. It is possible that Avraham communicated these criteria to him without the Torah recording it but I believe that Eliezer, as Avraham’s major-domo, know what his master really treasured. So, when he gets to his master’s birthplace, he asks Hashem for help in finding the right girl (Gen. 24:15)
וְהָיָה הַנַּעֲרָ אֲשֶׁר אֹמַר אֵלֶיהָ הַטִּי־נָא כַדֵּךְ וְאֶשְׁתֶּה וְאָמְרָה שְׁתֵה וְגַם־גְּמַלֶּיךָ אַשְׁקֶה אֹתָהּ הֹכַחְתָּ לְעַבְדְּךָ לְיִצְחָק וּבָהּ אֵדַע כִּי־עָשִׂיתָ חֶסֶד עִם־אֲדֹנִי׃
And it shall be that the maiden to whom I say, ‘Please, lower your jar that I may drink,’ and who replies, ‘Drink, and I will also water your camels’—let her be the one whom You have decreed for Your servant Isaac. Thereby shall I know that You have dealt graciously with my master.”
The formula is a simple one. A girl with kindness and character is the one who is right for Yitzchak. Notice that he does not ask for beauty or riches; he asks for a girl with Middos (proper character).
A marriage is a union between two different people. A husband and a wife come together and form a new entity when they marry. No longer are they merely individuals, they are part of a union in which each is half. That’s hard to do. It takes work. And, most of all, it takes understanding, patience, and kindness. The greatest thing you can do on any given day is to be kind to the one you have chosen to spend your life with.
But I also think there is a more subtle, and even more important, message in this story. When Eliezer speak to Rivka’s family, he explains who he is, where he is from, and what his mission. He explains:
וַיֹּאמַר עֶבֶד אַבְרָהָם אָנֹכִי׃ וַי-הֹוָה בֵּרַךְ אֶת־אֲדֹנִי מְאֹד וַיִּגְדָּל וַיִּתֶּן־לוֹ צֹאן וּבָקָר וְכֶסֶף וְזָהָב וַעֲבָדִם וּשְׁפָחֹת וּגְמַלִּים וַחֲמֹרִים׃ וַתֵּלֶד שָׂרָה אֵשֶׁת אֲדֹנִי בֵן לַאדֹנִי אַחֲרֵי זִקְנָתָהּ וַיִּתֶּן־לוֹ אֶת־כׇּל־אֲשֶׁר־לוֹ׃
“I am Abraham’s servant,” he began. “Hahem has greatly blessed my master, who has become rich—giving him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female slaves, camels and asses. And Sarah, my master’s wife, bore my master a son in her old age, and he has assigned to him everything he owns.
The purpose of this statement is to not only to give Yitzchak’s background but, as I see it, to show that Yitzchak is ready to take on the responsibilities of a husband.
Rambam (Maimonides) sets out the criteria for preparing for marriage. He says (Laws of Human Dispositions [Hilchos Dayus] 5:11)
דֶּרֶךְ בַּעֲלֵי דֵּעָה שֶׁיִּקְבַּע לוֹ אָדָם מְלָאכָה הַמְפַרְנֶסֶת אוֹתוֹ תְּחִלָּה. וְאַחַר כָּךְ יִקְנֶה בֵּית דִּירָה. וְאַחַר כָּךְ יִשָּׂא אִשָּׁה. שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (דברים כ ו) “מִי הָאִישׁ אֲשֶׁר נָטַע כֶּרֶם וְלֹא חִלְּלוֹ”. (דברים כ ה) “מִי הָאִישׁ אֲשֶׁר בָּנָה בַיִת חָדָשׁ וְלֹא חֲנָכוֹ”. (דברים כ ז) “מִי הָאִישׁ אֲשֶׁר אֵרַשׂ אִשָּׁה וְלֹא לְקָחָהּ”. אֲבָל הַטִּפְּשִׁין מַתְחִילִין לִשָּׂא אִשָּׁה וְאַחַר כָּךְ אִם תִּמְצָא יָדוֹ יִקְנֶה בַּיִת וְאַחַר כָּךְ בְּסוֹף יָמָיו יְחַזֵּר לְבַקֵּשׁ אֻמָּנוּת אוֹ יִתְפַּרְנֵס מִן הַצְּדָקָה. וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר בַּקְּלָלוֹת (דברים כח ל) “אִשָּׁה תְאָרֵשׂ” (דברים כח ל) “בַּיִת תִּבְנֶה” (דברים כח ל) “כֶּרֶם תִּטַּע”. כְּלוֹמַר יִהְיוּ מַעֲשֶׂיךָ הֲפוּכִין כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא תַּצְלִיחַ אֶת דְּרָכֶיךָ. וּבַבְּרָכָה הוּא אוֹמֵר (שמואל א יח יד) “וַיְהִי דָוִד לְכָל דְּרָכָו מַשְׂכִּיל וַה’ עִמּוֹ”:
The way of sensible men is that first, one should establish an occupation by which he can support himself. Then, he should purchase a house to live in and then, marry a wife. [This order of priorities may be inferred from Deuteronomy 20:5-7], which states: “Who is the man who has planted a vineyard, but not redeemed it…;” “who is the man who has built a house, but not dedicated it…;” “who is the man who has betrothed a woman, but not taken her [to wife]…”
In contrast, a fool begins by marrying a wife. Then, if he can find the means, he purchases a house. Finally, towards the end of his life, he will search about for a trade or support himself from charity.
[This is also implied by the order of] the curses mentioned [in Deuteronomy 28:30]: “You shall betroth a woman…, you shall build a house…, you shall plant a vineyard;” i.e., your behavior will be disordered so that you will not succeed in your ways. However, in regard to blessing [I Samuel 18:14] states: “And David was thoughtful in all his undertakings and God was with him.”
Eliezer is telling Rivka’s family that Yitzchak is ready. Avraham has turned over the family business to him so he has a livelihood. Clearly, he has a place to live as he has servants. Therefore, he is ready for the next step, marriage.
Many years ago, I taught in a Yeshiva High School. I had been tasked with teaching the subject of “Business Math” to the boys and I was discussing the topic of taxes and how they work. I asked each of them to choose a career and, based on that, I assigned them salaries based on the median salary for that career in my home State of New Jersey. I put that information into an accounting system and printed them “paychecks” so we could discuss the stubs and how to read and understand them. Well, they were shocked by the taxes they had withheld from their “paychecks” and that engendered a lively discussion.
When I encountered the Rosh Yeshiva, I told him about the class and that I intended it to continue for a discussion of careers, etc. Well, he stopped me cold. “Don’t discuss careers,” I was ordered.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because all of my Talmidim (students) are going to be Talmidei Chachamim (Torah Scholars).”
Needless to say, I was surprised by his answer. I asked him, “What about the Halacha in Rambam about needed a job and a home before marriage?”
He responded indignantly. “You think we do not know about this Halacha? Rambam wrote that because, in his day, it was possible to do it that way. Today, the Nisayon (test) of Torah is to have to debase yourself and ask for help.”
This was coming from a “Rabbi” who was living in a $900,000 house (this goes back at least 15-20 years ago) built for him by his father in law.
To say I was disgusted with his hypocritical response does not do it justice. But he it not unique in this. All Roshei Yeshivos want to be the leader who turns out the next Gadol Hador (greatest of the generation). I think that, in and of itself, is a great thing. But we cannot abrogate our basic responsibilities to our youth. Our society will not survive on this basis.
The Talmud (Kidushin 29a) lists a father’s duty to his sons. It says:
תְּנֵינָא לְהָא דְּתָנוּ רַבָּנַן: הָאָב חַיָּיב בִּבְנוֹ לְמוּלוֹ, וְלִפְדוֹתוֹ, וּלְלַמְּדוֹ תּוֹרָה, וּלְהַשִּׂיאוֹ אִשָּׁה, וּלְלַמְּדוֹ אוּמָּנוּת. וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים: אַף לַהֲשִׁיטוֹ בַּמַּיִם. רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אוֹמֵר: כֹּל שֶׁאֵינוֹ מְלַמֵּד אֶת בְּנוֹ אוּמָּנוּת – מְלַמְּדוֹ לִיסְטוּת. לִיסְטוּת סָלְקָא דַּעְתָּךְ? אֶלָּא: כְּאִילּוּ מְלַמְּדוֹ לִיסְטוּת
The Gemara comments: According to this interpretation, we learn in this mishna that which the Sages taught in a baraita: A father is obligated with regard to his son to circumcise him, and to redeem him if he is a firstborn son who must be redeemed by payment to a priest, and to teach him Torah, and to marry him to a woman, and to teach him a trade. And some say: A father is also obligated to teach his son to swim. Rabbi Yehuda says: Any father who does not teach his son a trade teaches him banditry [listut]. The Gemara expresses surprise at this statement: Can it enter your mind that he actually teaches him banditry? Rather, the baraita means that it is as though he teaches him banditry. Since the son has no profession with which to support himself, he is likely to turn to theft for a livelihood. This baraita accords with Rav Yehuda’s interpretation of the mishna.
It can’t be clearer than that.
I think I need to take a moment and clarify something. I believe that the world exists only because of Torah. It is vital that I say that because my concerns could be interpreted as meaning otherwise. I believe that we all have to learn to the best of our ability as much as we can. If you don’t accept it as a Mitzvah, accept it for the wisdom it brings. There is not a day that Torah does not affect how I approach my daily life.
But those in the Yeshiva world who believe that learning Torah means we have to disassociate from the general ways of the world are mistaken. The true Nisayon (test) of Torah is to learn while, at the same time, earning a living and providing for a family. And, to get married without the critical skills needed to earn that living is, for the most part, irresponsible.
There are those who will be the true geniuses and Gedolei Hador and I have no problems with supporting them in their learning because they can provide us the Torah guidance we need to survive in an ever more puzzling and challenging world. But they are few and far between and, just like we cannot rely on miracles (אין סומכין על הנס), we cannot rely on the hope that all our students will be in those very few. Should we give them the opportunity? Absolutely. But, we have to prepare them for life.
I am forced to bring to mind that the Tannaim of the Mishna worked to feed their families (unless they were lucky enough to be wealthy). Rabbi Yehoshua was a blacksmith, just to name one example. Even in more modern times we see such examples. The Lubavitcher Rebbe of blessed memory was trained as an engineer. Rabbi YB Solveitchik, known affectionately simply as “The Rav,” was not only highly Torah educated but he studied philosophy and political science. He obtained a doctorate.
Torah is the basis for life. We must never forget that. But, we must also remember that life requires us to be productive members of society. Part of that is the simple requirement that we not rely on the public purse and that we must endeavor to be self-sufficient.
Perhaps that is one of the most important lessons of this Torah portion. The spiritual world and the material world are not exclusive of each other. In fact, they can, and should, complement each other when applied properly.